Saturday, May 1, 2010

May Day

2000 was a big year for myself and my family. Especially the spring time. I turned 18 that year and graduated from high school. My oldest nephew was born.

And on May 1st my daddy died.

I still have a lot of conflicting feelings about my daddy and our relationship. We both had big personalities and they clashed often. But he was my daddy and I loved him.

I've thought about this day, the tenth anniversary of his death, since the beginning of the year. I have so much I could say, but I'm just not sure I'm ready to say it all yet. I just couldn't let it go buy unacknowledged.

Maybe someday I'll be able to share more of his story, but for now I just have a few thoughts about how I feel today.

He has missed so much these last ten years. He missed the births of four grandchildren. He wasn't there for my high school or college graduations. He didn't walk me down the aisle. He never even met Andy. He wasn't there after my accident. I thought about him a lot that day though.

And there is so much more in the future that he won't be present for. That makes me sad and angry. I've always been angry at him for dying. I felt like he could have fought a little harder.

I've always wondered what our relationship would have become if he were still alive. If I knew then what I know now would I have done something to change it those last six months? I like to think so. I certainly would have told him how I felt.

But I can't go back. I can't change it.

There are so many men in my life that have been and still are like a father to me. I know when I have my own children they'll step in again and be the grandfather my kids need because one is missing. While I love those men dearly, it's just not the same.

I will spend the rest of my life wishing my daddy was still around.

If you still have your daddy go give him a hug. And then give him another one for me. Because I can't hug mine.

There is no time like the present.

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